Andy Borowitz - Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Scientists
have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are
threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports. The research,
conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of
humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving
scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.
“These humans appear
to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis
Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet,
somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have
rendered those faculties totally inactive.”
More worryingly,
Logsdon said, “As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts
have only grown more powerful.” While scientists have
no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans
from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability
to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the
brain. “The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely
nullified,” Logsdon said.
While reaffirming the
gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of
fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very
preliminary, but it’s possible that they will become more receptive to facts
once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/scientists-earth-endangered-by-new-strain-of-fact-resistant-humans
