Etel Adnan - To Be In A Time Of War
NB: Etel Adnan, writer, poet, artist and musician was born in 1925 and raised in Beirut, Lebanon. Her mother was a Greek from Smyrna, her father, a high ranking Ottoman officer born in Damascus. This prose poem is the final chapter of her book In the Heart of the Heart of Another Country. Read more about her here - DS
To say nothing, do
nothing, mark time, to bend, to straighten up,
to blame oneself, to
stand, to go toward the window,
to change one’s mind
in the process, to return to one’s chair, to
stand again, to go to
the bathroom, to close the door, to then open
the door, to go to the
kitchen, to not eat nor drink, to return to
the table, to be
bored, to take a few steps on the
rug, to come close to
the chimney, to look at it, to find it dull,
to turn left until the
main door, to come back to the
room, to hesitate, to
go on, just a bit, a trifle, to stop, to
pull the right side of
the curtain, then the other side, to stare
at the wall.
To look at the watch,
the clock, the alarm clock, to listen to
the ticking, to think
about it to look again, to go to the tap, to
open the refrigerator,
to close it, to open the door, to feel the
cold, to close the
door, to feel hungry, to wait, to wait for -
dinner time, to go to
the kitchen, to reopen the fridge, to take
out the cheese, to
open the drawer, to take out a knife, to carry
the cheese and enter
the dining room, to rest the plate on the
table, to lay the
table for one, to sit down, to cut the cheese in
four servings, to take
a bite, to introduce the cheese in the ;
mouth, to chew and
swallow, to forget to swallow, to day-dream,
to chew again, to go
back to the kitchen, to wipe one’s mouth,
to wash one’s hands ,
to dry them, to put the cheese back into the
refrigerator, to close
that door, to let go of the day.
To listen to the
radio, to put it off, to walk a bit, to think,
to give up thinking,
to look for the key, to wonder, to do nothing,
to regret the passing
of time, to find a solution, to want to go to
the beach, to tell
that the sun is coming down, to hurry, to go down
with the key, to open
the car’s door, to sit, to pull in the door,
put in the key, turn
it on, heat the engine, to listen, to make
sure nobody’s around,
to pull back, to go ahead, to turn right, then
left, to drive
straight on, to follow the road, to take many
curbs, to drive down
the coast, look at the ocean, to admire it,
to feel happy, to go
up the hill, to reach the other side, then
go straight, to stop,
to make sure that the ocean has not disappeared,
to feel lucky, to stop
the engine, to open the door, to exit, to
close the door, to
look straight ahead, to appreciate the breeze,
to advance into the
waves.
To wake up, to
stretch, to get out of bed, to dress, to stagger
towards the window, to
be ecstatic about the garden’s beauty, to observe
the quality of the
light, to distinguish the roses from the hyacinths,
to wonder if it rained
in the night, to establish contact with the
mountain, to notice
its color, to see if the clouds are moving, to stop,
to go to the kitchen,
to grind some coffee, to lit the gas, to heat
water, hear it
boiling, to make the coffee, to put off the gas, to
pour the coffee, to
decide to have some milk with it, to bring out the
bottle, to pour the
milk in the aluminum pan, to heat it, to be careful,
to pour, to mix the
coffee with the milk, to feel the heat, to bring the
cup to one’s mouth, to
drink, to drink again, to face the day’s chores,
to stand and go to the
kitchen, to come back and put the radio on,
to bring the volume
up, to hear that the war against Iraq has started.
To get more and more
impatient, to be hungry, to bite one’s
nails, to wear a
jacket, to open the door, wa1k down the hill, to
look at the Bay, see
boats, notice a big sailboat, to go on
walking, to be
breathless, to turn left, then right, to enter the
Sushi-Ran, to wait, to
look at the waitress, to call her, to rest
one’s elbows on the
table, to pull them back when the tea arrives,
to order, to eat, to
drink, to use chopsticks, to be through, to
wipe one’s mouth with
the napkin, to read the bill, to count, to
pay, to thank
graciously, to exit, to start the road uphill.
To rise early, to
hurry down to the driveway, to look for the paper,
take it out from its
yellow bag, to read on the front-page WAR,
to notice that WAR
takes half a page, to feel a shiver down the spine,
to tell that that’s
it, to know that they dared, that they jumped
the line, to read that
Baghdad is being bombed, to envision a rain
of fire, to hear the
noise, to be heart-broken, to stare at the
trees, to go up slowly
while reading, to come back to the front-page,
read WAR again, to
look at the word as if it were a spider, to
feel paralyzed, to
look for help within oneself, to know helplessness,
to pick up the phone,
to give up, to get dressed, to look through
the windows, to suffer
from the day’s beauty, to hate to death the
authors of such
crimes, to realize that it’s useless to think, to
pick up the purse, to
go down the stairs, to see people smashed
to a pulp, to say yes indeed
the day is beautiful, not to know anything,
to go on walking, to
take notice of people’s indifference towards
each other.
To have lunch. To ask
for some beer. To give one’s order. To drink,
eat, and pay. To
leave. To reach home. To find the key. To enter.
To wait. To think
about the war. To glance at the watch. To put on the
news. To listen to the
poison distilled by the military correspondents.
To get a headache. To
eat dry biscuits. To put the radio back on.To
hear bombs falling on
Baghdad. To listen to ambulances. To go out on
the deck. To look at
the lengthening shadows on the grass. To count a
few dead flies on the
pane. To go to the table and look at the mail.
To feel discouraged.
To drink some water. To not understand the wind.
To wonder if the human
race is not in chaos…
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