Winning wisecracks
The
Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common
words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the
person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted
(adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to
give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to
attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.),
impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.),
describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your
nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk
with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n),
olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.),
emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a
rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a
humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.),
the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a
Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a
person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism
(n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.),
an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.
The winners are:
Bozone (n.): The
substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.
Cashtration (n.): The
act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.
Sarchasm (n): The
gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte (v): To
take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis (n): A
degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon (n):
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido (v): All
talk and no action.
Arachnoleptic fit
(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through
a spider web.
Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the
literature:
Ignoranus (n): A
person who's both stupid and an asshole.
